


Not While I’m Around

by AWitchyHobbit



Category: High School Musical: The Musical: The Series (TV)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Anxious Carlos, Carlos has anxiety, Hurt/Comfort, I don’t really know how to tag, I'm Sorry, M/M, Panic Attacks, Seb is a good boyfriend (and friend), Seblos
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-06
Updated: 2020-01-06
Packaged: 2021-02-27 15:14:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,598
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22149241
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AWitchyHobbit/pseuds/AWitchyHobbit
Summary: Carlos is very good at hiding his anxiety in front of everyone but Seb, and he’d like to keep it that way.
Relationships: Carlos & Miss Jenn (HSM: The Series), Carlos/Seb Matthew-Smith
Comments: 7
Kudos: 92





	Not While I’m Around

**Author's Note:**

> TW - Panic Attacks/ fairly detailed description of someone having a panic attack 
> 
> This is the first thing I’ve written on here, so please don’t judge me too hard! I just really see Carlos as having quite bad anxiety and trying very hard to hide it most of the time, and I wanted to write a thing about it. (Maybe I’m projecting, who knows)  
> Anyway, enjoy!

"I never thought about singing, that’s for sure. Until you."  
Carlos felt panic rise as E.J’s hand edged closer and closer to his face. _Please don’t touch me; please don’t touch me; please don’t touch..._ The boy’s breath caught in his throat as fingers skimmed his cheek.  
 _Keep it together, Carlos, you can’t do this in front of everyone, you can’t._  
But any attempt to calm himself grew futile.  
"Please don’t touch me" he heard himself whisper, barely loud enough for him to process himself, never mind E.J. The senior probably hadn’t even heard him, too busy on his emotional ego trip, or whatever this was. Everything was too loud and too quiet all at once, a faint murmuring starting to come up all around him, though he couldn’t distinguish any specific voices. The lights, previously deemed too dim for use, now felt all too bright. Somewhere in the back of his mind, Carlos knew this was happening in a room full of people - people he’d have to explain himself to on the other side of this-  
 _If there is an other side, that is_ , his brain oh so helpfully supplied. He couldn’t process the idea of the people surrounding him, though, not right now, and if he tried it only made his breath catch even more. Carlos was drowning, he was sure of it. He wanted to throw up. He wanted to pass out. He wanted -  
"Carlos?" A shaky voice, one he was sure should usually be comforting, stood out from the general murmur surrounding him.  
"Carlos, honey, breathe with me, I need you to breathe." The voice, louder now, was familiar and warm. "In, 2,3,4 and out 2,3,4: Follow my example, you’ve got this love." Carlos wanted so badly to take a breath, wanted the fuzz to leave his brain but...  
Vaguely, he felt a warm hand try to grasp his own, and he needed it gone. The touch was too much, everything was grabbing at him, it was too loud, too loud, and there was light all around him, the calming voice started to fade back into the buzz, he couldn’t focus on breathing, couldn’t focus on anything, a barrage of senses was hitting him all at once and in the midst of it all he felt tears running down his face.

_Come on Carlos, snap out of it, you’re the one who holds them together there’s no time for this. Everyone can see you and everyone’s going to hate you, you stupid, worthless piece of..._

The next thing he knows, he’s coming to, lying on the floor of the stage, exhausted. His boyfriend’s face slowly comes into focus above him, alongside that of Miss Jenn, a similarly fake smile on each of their faces masking clear signs of terror and guilt, mixed in with relief.  
"Carlos, sweetie...?" The teacher tries, and fails to string together a sentence that is simultaneously tactful and probing, before Seb cuts in.  
"Honey, I’m so glad you’re okay. Am I okay to touch your hand now or would you rather I didn’t? Only, you sort of lashed out when I did earlier when you were -" The blonde boy bites his lip. "N-not that that was your fault, obviously, I just - Well, anyway I’m glad you’re back with us, I just wanted to check your boundaries so you don’t panic again."  
Carlos gives a weak, watery smile from his position on the floor, trying to shuffle himself into a sitting position but somewhat lacking energy after the whole ordeal. "I, uh, I think it’s okay yeah - just for you though, no one else."  
Seb’s smile grows a little more authentic, and he pushes himself closer to his boyfriend, carefully taking one of the choreographer’s hands in his and rubbing slow, soothing circles just below the knuckle. "Do you want me to hug you now?" Carlos nods before slumping into the other boy’s side, completely drained. Seb places a protective arm around his shoulders, glancing furtively over at Miss Jenn, who appears to be largely leaving the two boys to it for the time being, though she does shoot an encouraging smile his way.  
And they stay that way, for what in Carlos’ brain seems like days, but is in fact around fifteen minutes: Seb rubbing circles into the boy’s back with one hand and softly stroking his hair with another, at one point beginning to quietly hum a tune the dark haired boy recognises, but can’t quite place.  
As Carlos’ breathing begins to return to normal, his boyfriend’s singing washing over him in waves, he’s hit with the implications of what just happened.  
"Seb?"  
"Mmhmm" The farmboy hums.  
"E- everyone saw that, didn’t they? They all think I’m a freak now, they’ve lost all respect for me, they probably just think I’m some huge drama queen who-"  
"Shhhh, nobody thinks that. And besides, not everyone saw: Ricky and Nini for one were in the back room still, and Natalie-"  
"Seb."  
"Okay, so most people saw it. But that doesn’t mean they’re going to think any less of you. Sure, they were worried, but that’s because they’re your friends. Everybody’s got stuff they’re dealing with."  
"But-"  
"No buts, nobody’s going to judge you for having a panic attack. And if they do, they’ll have me to answer to."  
This results in a small chuckle from Carlos. "That’s not much of a threat, you wouldn’t hurt a fly."  
"You might not be wrong but I could..." The blonde boy stops to think for a second, glancing down affectionately at his boyfriend, who is still clearly anxious, but at least now laughing a little as well. "I could set an army of cows on them!"  
The smaller boy huffs out a laugh "You’re ridiculous. Besides, have you ever seen into the woods? Cows are more trouble than they’re worth!"  
"Why, of all people, would Jack’s mother be the person you relate to in that show? You take that back right this instant or -"  
"You’ll set your army of cows on me? You would never." Carlos sticks his tongue out to reinforce the point, and both boys briefly dissolve into giggles. "But seriously, personal armies of cows aside, how am I supposed to explain this to everyone else? You’re the only one that knows about my anxiety, I don’t- I’m not supposed to get like this in school, I try so hard to keep it together and I just, I -"  
"Honey," Seb interrupts his boyfriend, gathering him further into his arms and manoeuvring so they’re facing one another before placing a hand on his cheek. " I need to know for sure that you’re listening to me when I say this."  
Carlos swallows before giving a small nod, prompting the blonde to continue. "You cannot control your anxiety. You cannot control when you have a panic attack, and trying to is actually probably part of what’s making things worse. I know you can’t just change an entire mindset, but you blaming yourself and trying to be in control of everything can only further the cycle. None of this is your fault, and I need you to at least try to stop blaming yourself. I’ll help you, I promise."  
Wiping his eyes, the choreographer tries to form a coherent response. "You - I - where did all that come from? That sounded, like, really professional. N-not in a bad way, just - How do you know so much about it?"  
The corners of Seb’s lips turn up slightly, the barest hint of a smile beginning to form again as he blushes. "I -er - after the first time you had a panic attack when I was with you,"  
"In the school bathroom at homecoming or during the whole Miss Jenn forest of boys debacle?"  
"Uh, I don’t think I was there yet at homecoming so we’re definitely going to circle back to that, and I am so sorry if that was because of me being late, but anyway. After that first time, I sort of just... did some research. I wanted to be able to help anytime it happens."  
If the smaller boy hadn’t already been on the verge of tears before this confession, he definitely is now. "That’s... Seb, I don’t know what to say, no one’s ever- No one- No one except my mother’s ever really cared to learn how to deal with it. Usually everyone just - leaves when I let my guard down and forget to keep it together for a bit and they realise how much of a disaster I really am, I -"  
His rambling confession is effectively cut off as his boyfriend softly shushes him and starts to hum once more. It’s the same tune from before, but this time he sings the words rather than just humming, and Carlos is now alert enough to recognise it.  
 _‘Nothing’s gonna harm you, not while I’m around. Nothing’s gonna harm you, no sir, not while I’m around...’_  
And the issues from before still haven’t gone away, not really - he still has to find a way to explain himself to the rest of the cast and crew; he still has to go through every day not knowing when his breaking point might appear; he’s also still about 90% sure Miss Jenn’s still in the room, watching the pair of them. But right here, cuddled up in the arms of the sweetest boy in the world, wisps of his breath brushing against his ear as he tenderly murmurs Sondheim lyrics, he feels a rare moment of peace, and lets himself drift towards it.

**Author's Note:**

> This might end up having more chapters/ at least another one with Carlos explaining things to the rest of the group, but who knows, we’ll see how this one goes down first!  
> Anyway, thank you for reading and if you have time to leave a wee comment that would be lovely - this is my first piece of writing on here so any constructive criticism would be much appreciated. Either way, have a lovely day :))  
> (P.S. I’m also in the process of maybe writing an nb Seb piece based on a very painstaking and uncomfortable extended family dinner I had over Christmas, so let me know if there’d be any interest in that)


End file.
